Why Advice Giving Is Not Advisable
Often in our interactions with family and friends, problems being encountered would inevitably be brought up. Inevitably too, in trying to be helpful, we often react by giving advice on how to solve the problem. However, this is generally not recommended, for the following reasons:We assume we know what the problem is and forget to be a listener, to find out enough details about the problem and the other persons point of view. We forget to extend empathy to the woes of the other person.
We get credit for being the one to give the advice since the advice is likely to be something that the adviser has done or others have done that was successful. So if the listener does not succeed or had done it before but it was not successful, the implication is that it is not because the advice was not good, but the listener has not applied it well. This tends to make the advisee feel stupid and incompetent.
When we give advice, were talking down to the other person as we become the expert. Were so eager to talk and show our knowledge and wisdom that we do not interact at an equal level with the other person. We take on the position of expert and might tend to forget that the other person also has knowledge to share with us.
We are giving the message that we think the person cannot work out the solution himself. This is disempowering for the other person.
We belittle the efforts that have been taken by the person. We become the evaluator of what the person has done rather than helping him/her to selfevaluate.
Example of Advice Giving:A: Jolyn and I are having problems. We have been having more quarrels lately.
B: Hmm Im always thought both of you were not suitable for each other. (B is getting credit for his prediction. B is not asking questions to find out more about As problems) A: Well, we were getting along pretty well. But Ive been very busy with work recently and havent had time to go out with her. She feels Im spending too much time on work.
B: It shows she does not understand you (B is assuming he knows what the problem is). Maybe you should break up with her (advice giving, implying A cannot work out a solution). It could be a blessing in disguise.
A: Id be miserable. Dont know what Id do without her.
B: Youll get over it (B is not extending empathy to A). I did too when I broke up with Doris 2 years ago. (B is giving himself credit)A: I sent her roses to make up but it doesnt seem to work.
B: I dont think that will work with her (evaluating what A has done). Since she wants time with you, just put aside your work and make time for her.
A: I have deadlines to meet.
B: Well, you have to decide what you want (this is not likely to be helpful to As dilemma and might make him feel stupid and incompetent instead.)Using Questions in conversations is generally more helpful as it helps the other person think through the issues that they have. Example is this conversation below:A: Jolyn and I are having problems. We have been having more quarrels lately.
B: Im sorry to hear that (extending empathy). Would you like to tell me more about it? (being a listener, to find out details of problem)A: Ive been really busy with my work and havent had time to go out with her. She feels Im spending too much time on work.
B: Has it always been this way with your work?
A: No, its these recent two months because of a big project. Deadlines to meet and other work pressures.
B: Must be tough on you. (extending empathy to A and indirectly giving credit to A for holding up)A: Yah but I do need to make time for Jolyn I have been working too hard. I should ease up a bit (self evaluation). I think Ill send her some flowers afterward and then call her for a dinner date tomorrow. (coming up with his own solutions)B: All the best References:www.succezz.com/StresstheSilentKiller.html www.succezz.com/How2BHappy.html www.succezz.com/S2/7WaystoiveiftotheMax2.html
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